when your chest hurts and you wish it was heartburn

it's the calm before the storm

that moment where the air pressure has been building

and the clouds start spitting on you

and the sky shifts to a murky gray

that split second before everything crashes to the ground

and the pressure lifts

and the rain falls

and the storm rages for as long as it has to

but i'm not there yet

and i'm scared to let go of the pressure

i can't let go of control

give me booze

give me drugs

give me sad stories and love songs

anything to get me out of my own head

so i can let go

but if i let go of the pain

i'm terrified i'll let everything else slide too

all of the secrets

every ounce of the burden i am as a human

and i can't let that fall on you

because when i get like that

people leave

and i don't want to be responsible for another person's bad day

because they had to walk away

because they couldn't handle the truth

that their friend has too much love for one body to hold

and even more self-loathing than that

a constant urge to self harm

and a cabinet full of liquor and pills

because the only way to stop the pain is letting go

but i have an iron grip

and stubborn hands

and i'm sorry that when i finally slip

i can't offer you an umbrella