Tired

I am so tired. Unbelievably tired. I go to sleep tired and wake up tired. I did not think being this tired was possible. The way I am operating is not sustainable, and it leaves next to no room for anything creative or musically orientated. I wake up at 5:30 or so because my body likes to win the race between it and my phone's alarm clock. I set my alarm to go off at 6:00 AM, because my work day begins at 7:00 AM and I need a shower to help myself wake up. I will skip my work shift because it is the least interesting thing I could ever talk about. Do not get me wrong, I don't mind the work, it just is not flashy, or exciting or any buzz words that make my life sound better than it really is, it is just work.

But me being a smart person, and choosing college, I need multiple jobs to earn enough money to pay for student loans and other bills that need paying. So after work, when my co-workers begin to unwind and relax, I am rushing to eat something so that I can make it through my second shift of the day. This (usually) happens three times a week. I can honestly say that I have not had a completely free (of work) weekend in about two years and it has begun to really take its toll on me.

I am in no way a special person. I am just a part of the new normal for youth in America, who are crippled by student loan debt for an education they do not need to be "qualified" for jobs that do not pay enough to even live comfortably on. To afford rent in St. Paul or Minneapolis you need to make about $19 an hour. I currently make four dollars less than that in my full-time job.

This is a long winded way to say, this last month has been very hectic for me. I am averaging four hours of sleep and have had very little time to devote to music. This makes me very frustrated, and upset with myself. My only passion in this world is music and to have so little time to give it in an entire month is very difficult. I am slowly getting back into writing, and playing guitar. In those moments all of my fatigue falls away and I feel free; I feel like me.

Now I am not one to not follow through when I set my mind to something, so here is what I am going to do: I am going to dedicate time in everyday to write music, to write lyrics, to write anything. I write lyrics for songs and (bad?) poems in these composition notebooks, because I like that the pages are bound together really well, and the books themselves are such a great canvas to customize and make it a unique thing to me, and me alone. They are covered in stickers and scraps of moments and things that matter to me, that shape who I am, and inspire me to create.

So that is my plan going forward, I am going to write; a lot. Whether it be in my notebooks or here on this blog, I will write. Secondly, I am not good at sharing things, both creatively and not. But I want to get better, I have to get better. Life is a journey that only has one ending; if you do not try to keep improving or becoming more than you thought you could be, I think it is a waste of a trip. The sharing will be where ever I can share; this blog, on social media, or in person through performance (hopefully soon), sharing will happen. But I do not ever want this to be a single sided thing. I want to share with you and I want you to share with me, that is how I want to operate. I want to give more than I take, in all interactions.

Well that is all I have for today. I have a rare night off of work, and am going to try and get some rest. Hope the world is treating you well. Be good to yourself and to others.

Steven