Half the time the fact that I'm exiled to my home by myself is great
I love the time to myself
I cleaned my bathtub and spent time with my pets
And wrapped up in a blanket and felt good about myself
But the other half the time I feel like I'm trapped
I want someone to sit with
Who can listen to my insane commentary about movies and games
Where I can lean my shoulder against theirs when I need some contact
And take a nap with my legs stretched over their lap
But I have a tendency of pushing people away when I need them
And refusing to accept love when I desperately crave it
The take-out containers piled up
And I forget to shower or leave my bed
I feel like a nuisance almost all the time
I think I deserve to be alone
But a split second later I'm in love again
Having dreams about calling you on the phone
Because social distancing keeps you far enough away
Where you can't quite see how fucked up I am
You can't see the switch flip in my head
Between feeling alright and wanting to die
Between spending time with my friends and being too much to handle
Between talking about how I feel and running away in fear
It might just be the fact that my brain can't absorb serotonin without a hard push in the right direction
But no matter how many dreams I have
Or how good I feel some days on my own
The desire to not be alone and the idea that I will probably always be alone
Are constantly fighting in my head
And crack after crack forms in my skull
Until I bleed out from my ears
And the brokenness on the inside
Is mirrored on the outside
I've been split into so many parts
And so many memories
And so many people that I became so I could feel loved
So that people wouldn't be embarrassed by my happiness
That I don't think it's possible to piece it all together
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