I've had some pretty intense nightmares for a few years
Most of them revolve around being unable to escape something that wants to hurt me
Or being back in high school with the people that did hurt me
Blocking out the trauma so I could face the day
Over and over and over again
For so many years
Sometimes it's those people coming to take away my sources of comfort
I had a nightmare where my ex murdered my pet
Just for the purpose of hurting me more than they already did
Last night wasn't a nightmare, though
I was in my parent's basement
With a significant other that loved me
Watching scary movies
And listening to records
And just being with someone who understood why that space is so important to me
Why sitting and enjoying music is so key to understanding what's going on inside my fucked up head
And nobody came and tried to take what mattered away from me
Nobody could hurt me there
I'm so tired of running
And settling for less
And dealing with people who don't even bother to try and understand
That it's really hard for me to stop being afraid
That I expect to be thrown back into another nightmare
That I will medicate with alcohol and music and hopeless romantic fantasies
Along with a mountain of antidepressants that I don't think I will ever stop taking
Just to get by
Just to survive the night
I wonder if my dreams are even worth understanding for someone else
So they can become some part of my reality
Or if I'll always be running from nightmares on my own
Fighting for rest
Comments